By: Holly Ahlman
When I was a child, teenager and in early adulthood, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have a problem procreating. I assumed, all was fine and that I would be a perfectly normal baby makin’ machine...and luckily I was. I have two children, no problems and pretty much got pregnant by my husband just looking at me differently.
With my girlfriends for some reason there is an “epidemic” going on, I am serious. No matter what the hell they did, how many times they did it, how many magic spells, prayers, headstands they did, they could not get pregnant naturally.
There was one friend though, who REALLY tried. I have to admit, I was “scared” to tell her I was pregnant the first time. I felt bad, really bad and guilty, like I skipped the line that she has been in for years at an amusement park.
I am not over exaggerating, she and her husband tried for years (I mean YEARS) to get pregnant. Like doing everything from hormone shots to petri dish to all those other ways that I have no clue how they do it but it’s in a lab where the miracle of life is in the hands of someone in a lab coat at that point. That’s how bad they wanted a baby, they handed over their “specimen” for a doctor to help them create the baby they have been dreaming and praying for.
Well it worked, ZING!!!!! Uphill on the roller coaster and thank you Lord, we are pregnant! Then around the bend of this roller coaster there was a derail so huge that I never fathomed was coming. During their 18 week appointment ultrasound (Anatomy Scan) I gingerly look at my phone and the text I received from her and it stated that there was something wrong and they were going to see a specialist right away. My thoughts, “ahh it’s an inexperienced ultrasound girl that didn’t know what the hell she was doing.” I was terribly and sadly wrong, yeah, I am 100% serious.
After all the time, effort, work and emotional battery on their bodies they learned that the poor baby had Potters Syndrome. I know, I had no clue either, just google it. It’s complicated. Terrible. Why these awful diseases exist, I will never know.
Courage. Strength. Love. Just some words that fly through my brain when I think of her during the time that she learned her baby was not going to make it. A mother’s LOVE cannot be measured, but it can be felt. I felt her love.
As a mother myself, I could never ever even imagine what was going through her mind every time she felt her child would kick or hiccup in the womb. So precious, those memories and moments that only she got to experience since she was carrying him. I recall the no filter questions when I was pregnant that strangers would ask. I was so happy to answer. Imagine, just for 30 seconds being asked “oh what are you having?” Knowing full well in your head that you are not going to get to send your child to preschool one day, go to his high school graduation or dance with him during the Mother/Son dance at his wedding. Just really, seriously, just sit there for 30 seconds and think about it. The whole situation and way that everything happened for them was just flat out heartbreaking.
On September 24, 2011 around 2:00am the baby was on his way. After about 5 cigarettes to calm my nerves I walked up to the maternity ward and we waited. We all waited with nervous but sad laughter, commentary and “Oh God this sucks” moments, we waited for him to come into our world. Then I got angry and mad this was happening to them.
Logan John was born. He taught me more in less than two hours of living then some influential people have done in their lifetime.
Logan taught us all what it means to Love. Have unconditional Love.
We just stared at him for a brief minute in the waiting room, that’s all we could do and I am pretty sure I held my breath because I didn’t want this moment to escape any part of my being. Logan’s grandmother later updated us that he was gone. Within two hours he left us. That minute was branded in my heart forever.
No words, no sounds, nothing could come from us as we sat there in mourning in silence. Our Baby Logan was gone. Then we cried, we all cried.
A mother, the person in the world that is supposed to protect and save you, lost her only son. She did every God forsaken thing to save him, everything. I cannot even begin to even think how that feels to someone. All she wanted was to have a baby and live happily ever after, that’s all. That one thing was not even allowed for her and that is something I cannot comprehend, never will.
Later, we celebrated Logan’s brief but important little life. So many people were at his church service. Logan’s mother was sitting in the pew, starring ahead and all I could do is grab her hand. There are no words, no cards, no flowers -- nothing to make this grieving family . feel better. But I just offered my hands to help heal and console her. I remember my hands were shaking as I held hers because I was nervous, I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to “be there for her” and be the BEST best friend even though I have NO CLUE how it felt to lose a child after an hour and half of life. I had no feelings in me that were even remotely close to knowing what it felt like for her to carry a child in her womb after week 18 and being told the baby would not survive. Damn, that takes a strong woman to do that.
A mother’s love and bond is something that will never be broken. Logan’s Mom honors him in so many ways. His legacy is alive and he is loved by many people that haven’t even met him. Logan is in his mother’s heart and that pride will stay with her forever. Although her heart is also sad, his beautiful life brought her the deepest sense of Eternal Motherly Love.
Holly Acklin-Ahlman